by Alexandra Rutkowski

I have doubts. I’ve got my questions. And like anyone else, I’ve got fears. I guess being a year away from graduating is forcing me to start making those decisions that I’ve been putting off for a while. I’m not the biggest fan of change. And part of me is just plain scared. I’ve spent a lot of nights just wrestling with God over what I’m supposed to be doing but I just sit in silence. Circumstances and the fear of the unknown try to tug and pull me away, but they can’t define who I am. I know who I am. I am a daughter of the King, redeemed, and precious in His sight. 

I found one verse in Psalms that I don’t ever remember reading before. It keeps coming back each night and morning. 

“On the glorious splendor of Your majesty, and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.”

I’ve been reading this verse each night and putting my focus to just that- meditating on who He is and what He’s done.

Who He is… now that’s something that makes my head hurt. I’m sitting here, completely overwhelmed. Where do I even start? How could I ever even begin to comprehend who He is? I’ve got this tiny idea of Him, but it doesn’t even come close. He’s far greater and more powerful than everything I can think of. He spins universes in His hands. He creates out of nothing. When I think about who He is, it keeps me up. Now, I’m definitely a faucet. When I start to think about who He is, the tears start coming. And if you know me at all, that’s not that hard to imagine at all. But thinking about who God is, it really does keep me up at night. I just remember sitting cross legged on my bed, moving back and forth from anticipation, crying out of happiness and awe, asking God a million different questions about who He is.  I want to know. I want to know. I want to know more!! When I think about just who He is, suddenly all my fears and problems are eclipsed by who He is. I have a God who is far greater than the universe, much less my fears.

What He’s done… now that. The cross. His sacrifice. His Son. How can we just talk about those things so casually? And it’s not just the fact that the God of the universe stepped in our fallen world to save us from eternal death… it’s what He’s still doing now. It’s the daily bread, the daily provision. It’s the miracles He’s worked. It’s everything He’s done in the past. The reminder that He’s always provided and He’s not forgotten. He’s never late, nor is He early (like Gandalf). When I sit down and think of all He’s done for me? When I remember.. how can I doubt? I am reminded that my God has never forgotten me or failed to meet any of my needs in the past. He’s Jehovah-jireh. When I just take the time to remember.. my fears and doubts diminish and are replaced by perfect peace.

Yes, I still worry and I’m still nervous. And I’m totally embarrassed by my lack of faith a ton of the time. But this, it’s starting to realign my perspective. Thinking about who He is and what He’s done. Thank You Lord that though I whine and doubt, You are still so perfect and You still provide. Teach me to trust You more.

“On the glorious splendor of Your majesty, and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.”