by Alexandra Rutkowski

I’ve been painting non-stop for days. It’s a beautiful feeling. I have a bad habit of sticking my tongue out when I draw. I remembered today where that came from. When I was very young, I remember sitting next to my father, watching him, the great artist that he is, designing a flyer on his desk. I saw him do this funny little thing where he stuck his tongue out when he was drawing, and I thought if I did the same, somehow… I might be an artist like he. That’s how it all began. It’s silly now to think of. I wonder where biting my nails came from. 

One thing I don’t have in common with my dad is preaching. Preaching freaks me out to no end. That’s one thing I haven’t been born with. I feel like in Christian college.. everyone’s got that gift. When it comes to me? My theology goes out the window cause I nervous. I can’t manage to hold a simple conversation with my professor- I end up stuttering and slobbering all over my words. If I can’t communicate normally, how on earth am I suppose to communicate to a group? That freaks me out. But somehow, deep inside, I feel like it’s there in my future when I “grow up.” That idea scares me, but… yep, it’s scares me, haha. God’s got my life figured out though, so I don’t have to worry about that. 

A good friend of mine said something a year or two ago that stuck with me. He was talking about his feelings for his girlfriend of many years. He mentioned how at the begininning of his relationship, it was like he loved and appreciated her for the things she would do (the time she’d spend, the words she’d say, the things she did), but then he came to the place where he loved her for simply being her. Not for anything she could do, but he loved (loves) her for who she is. That stuck, because I began thinking of my relationship with God that way. I think it’s easy to “love” God for the things He does. His provision, His love, His protection. I think the breakthrough happens when you come to love Him for Him. For no other reason other than that He is who He is. Love Him for Him. I need to work on that sometimes. Well, a lot. It’s easy to get distracted sometimes. God, remind me. I want to always to love You for You. 

I want to do something with my life that matters.