This Ends Here.

by Alexandra Rutkowski

One of the things that’s stuck out so clear in the past few days is how strong Satan attacks when you’re where you’re supposed to be, or on the way there. Heavens knows I’m nowhere near where I’m supposed to be, but recently I’ve been more focused on getting on the right track and truly getting my heart right with God. And hence comes the spiritual attack. My oh my, how Satan knowssss how to get to us. And when he strikes, he sure strikes hard. He knows how to play off our fears, doubts, and insecurities… and he’s had all of humanity to study us, so yeah, I’d say he’s a pro in knowing our weaknesses. I wish I could say that when times like this come, I push it all back in Satan’s face and deepen myself in God… but I don’t always. I have a habit of letting it get to me. Eat away at me. Affect my time with the Lord. I’m human, but that’s no excuse at all. But then I realized how much control over it I have. Total. I’m the one that let’s it affect my walk with the Lord. I’m the one that allows that discouragement to seep in deep. I’m the one that allows Satan to strip me of my joy. And boy do I ever. 

I felt a heavy distinct spiritual attack all week. It weighed me down emotionally and spiritually and just… drained me of energy. I felt down, alone, and vulnerable. I felt weak and as if all I could do was cry. And I KNEW what Satan was doing the whole time. This back and forth battle was so clear to me over a few nights, and even when I spent time with God, it was different. I didn’t feel that freedom and joy I have from just sitting in His presence. Instead, I was burdened. I didn’t want it to be that way… I cried out in desperation for it to end… but that’s the way it was. It seemed like nothing would change it.

I took a refreshing walk with a friend one night, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I just felt… grace. That’s all I could think of. Grace. As I was talking to her, God was giving me words to say. I wouldn’t have been able to do it on my own. I felt used. I realized in that moment how much of this I was doing to myself. Yes, everything that had been happening in the past few days was spiritual and from the enemy, but I was letting it happen. I had been asking God to end it all while I was still holding on to the very seed that Satan planted in my mind and refusing to let it go!


I went to my room, shut the door, and proclaimed to the enemy that he has absolutely no foothold in my life. As soon as I relinquished that control and put it back in the Father’s hands, everything literally changed within a moment. That burden was completely gone, as if it had never been… and I felt such unspeakable joy. That warm fuzzy feeling I get when I’m all cuddled up in bed and my body just rests… that’s how I felt. Free. Free. Free. Blanketed in joy. I felt like it was raining down. Whatever joy I felt before this attack had been multiplied. Oh how great the Father’s love for us. I sat on the ground just waiting in His presence. Unspeakable, unbreakable joy that I honestly couldn’t even explain. I was drowning in it. I just sat there, soaking it all in. Crying and laughing from joy. I worshipped and danced.

I felt those doubts and lies try to creep back in. I stopped and boldly said, “no.”

They’re there, but with God’s help, they don’t have to change me. I just have to let Him take over. And be willing to let go my grasp of them. It’s crazy how hard we hold on to them, even when we know they’re eating away at us. It’s strange for me to think about, but yes, we do have a choice. I have a choice. I’ve got to let go.

The more I sat in His presence and felt His love, the stronger I felt that attack try to come back harder than ever. I didn’t have the strength to deal with it on my own, this I know. But He did.

I spent the night in His beautiful embrace, and cradled in His hand.


I need to be reminded to let go.