4:47 am.

by Alexandra Rutkowski

God’s been keeping me up late at night recently. It’s that wonder and excitement in a child that keeps him from falling asleep at night. I’ve been trying to just wrap my mind around who exactly He is. What’s He’s done and what’s He’s doing. There’s so many things I want to talk with Him about. There’s so much I long to sing to Him! I can’t keep it inside- it’s overflowing out! And there’s just so much that I just want to think about. To just sit in silence and think. The more I just contemplate on who He is, the more I’m filled with awe, and the more it drives me to worship Him.

As I sit in His presence, I can’t help but cry. And while there’s so much my heart longs to communicate, I can’t find the words to say.

“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” How I love that verse.

Keep working on my heart, Lord. I still have a long way to go. But I want to be completely immersed in You. I want to spend every moment on this earth walking with You in every step that I take. I offer myself as a sacrifice to You, Lord. Use me and mold me… I want to do Your will alone.

We’re never going to be able to entirely understand what Christ for us that day. It’s turned into a simple Sunday school story, something that’s preached on now and again… but we’re missing so much of it! It was so much more. It’s something my mind cannot even comprehend. “He who knew no sin became sin for us, that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.” He became the physical embodiment of sin, that the Father Himself had to look away. But oh, the beauty of that sacrifice!! It was on that day that all the rules had changed. That the course of humanity and eternity shifted. Like I said, we’re never going to be able to completely understand how great His sacrifice was for us… not until we’re standing before Him. I think at that moment, we’ll understand the magnitude of it. The true beauty of it. It’ll click.

But I don’t want to wait until then to look back at my time here on earth wishing oh so hard that I could’ve lived in a way that reflected that. There’s so much that our mortal minds cannot begin to comprehend… but God isn’t meant to be understood, He’s meant to be worshipped. He’s meant to be glorified.

There’s this picture, you see, standing before the Lord, a golden blinding light emanating from His presence… and it’s brilliantly blinding. I can barely see beyond it. It’s a mere glimpse of His glory. His greatness and beauty are indescribable. He’s greater and larger than any of the stories I’d heard could ever describe Him to be. I stand there in awe, shouting praises to Him with every ounce of strength in my body. And in that instant, I understood for a moment exactly what my eyes hadn’t seen before. 

But I intend to live my life for Him this way right now. No regrets. Every step taken with Him. For Him. 

Thoughts of Him having been keeping me up at night so that I can’t sleep. How beautiful. Oh how beautiful.